The Swamp Rats of Sacramento
by Disco Ant
Summary: Sacramento gets a professional hockey team and the owner fills it with an odd bunch of characters, which can only mean wackiness and drama and stupidity. Anime stuff, TV show stuff, original character stuff.
1. Intro

****Boring beginning on this intro, but I didn't feel like changing it after I wrote it. Not like it is all that important, just shows the state of the league.

And yay for a stupid awesome story by me! :D

* * *

**Intro**

The year was not important. The place was in some alternate cartoon universe. The National Hockey League had seen it's ups and downs, mainly it's downs. Players strikes caused the league to go with unknowns, most right out of college or from obscure European teams. All were players who were willing to play for what was considered a very small amount. The game was considered dull by some, but exciting by most, mainly because you never knew what would happen.

Several teams fell on hard times. The Detroit Red Wings struggled to get close to making the playoffs and many thought the team would fold, their only saving grace being the long history as one of the leagues original teams. The San Jose Sharks were saved when a group of millionaires stepped in to buy the team and keep them in the Silicone Valley. The Dallas Stars were sold to New York, the team changing names and New York getting their Islanders back three years after they disbanded. Five years after the move two businessmen in Dallas created the Stars once again.

The Tampa Bay Lightening, the Columbus Blue Jackets, the Nashville Predators and the Phoenix Coyotes fell into bankruptcy, all struggling to stay afloat with awful records and lackluster attendance.

Another group of teams lost big in revenue, but they had other ways of keeping themselves from being sold or going bankrupt. One of those teams was the Anaheim Ducks, never once regaining the stardom they once had in their earlier years. Over the last six years their record was 168 wins and 324 losses, having made the playoffs once, but getting swept by the St. Louis Blues in the first round.

Up in Sacramento, in his spacious mansion, sat Mayor McCheese. He loved hockey and was sad at it's current state. He was also sad that his city didn't have a professional team. He knew something had to be done. He jumped from his comfy leather chair and pulled out his cellphone with finesse, making the calls he had to in order to ensure his city had a team for the next season.

Knowing the Ducks were an easy pick, he offered the owners and the city a handsome fee, the groups meeting in a large office in Anaheim one hot and muggy summer day to go over the papers.

Money was discussed, promises were made, signatures were drawn and hands were shook. Sacramento now had a team thanks to the valiant efforts of one Mayor McCheese.

The people of Anaheim didn't care, as hardly anyone went to the games. The owners of other struggling teams were jealous. They missed out on being instant millionaires.

Mayor McCheese got a team of people together to tackle this new project. The design team came up with various team names and logos, placing them on custom made jerseys they had drawn. They worked day and night, a week later having come up with eleven good ideas.

Mayor McCheese got the first look at the designs, him being the one who would make the final decision.

He liked the Sea Lions, but the name didn't make sense, as they weren't near the ocean. That got thrown out. The Giants were a good possibility, except with the New York Giants, the San Francisco Giants and the San Jose Giants of the minor league, he felt that name was overused. In the trash went that idea. The Dolphins, Eagles, Hammers, Miners, Lumberjacks, Flares, and Tulips also went in the trash. And so it was down to the Cheese Logs and the Swamp Rats.

Being Mayor McCheese, he felt that having his team be named the Cheese Logs was a bit too much, even though he really did like the jerseys and color scheme. That left him with Swamp Rats. He wasn't quite sure if Sacramento did have swamp rats, but he was never one to inspect the cities sewage systems that closely.

The design team assured him that every big city has large rats in the sewers, making him cringe and having him remind his secretary to call the exterminator.

Swamp Rats had won out, but he didn't like the logo. Having a giant monstrous rat foaming at the mouth wasn't his idea of a good marketing angle. Plus he was sure it'd scare the kids and make the other teams laugh at his players.

Secondary logos were drawn up and shown to him the next day.

He had enough of the rats. The team was called the Swamp Rats, after all, so why be cliche and have the logo be a rat. Sadly, his design team had only come up with rats.

One of the designers quickly scribbled out a few ideas, one of them being two 'S's side by side overlapping. Mayor McCheese liked that, but he felt it wasn't quite right. He added another 'S' in between the two already there and shaded it in black.

The design team nodded in approval at the brilliance of it, promising to have all of the promotional items printed out at the end of the week.

Mayor McCheese met with someone who knew something about hockey and they started to think about players. None wanted the old Anaheim players, as they weren't that good.

"I have an idea," Mayor McCheese said as he stroked his soft fluffy doughy chin.

His expert sat on the edge of his chair, waiting for this sure-to-be-brilliant idea.

"Why don't we mix things up a bit," Mayor McCheese said with an impish glint in his eyes. "Add a little excitement to the game. Heaven knows the league needs it."

"What are you suggesting?" the expert asked excitedly, almost breathlessly.

"Why don't we get players nobody has heard of. And players who aren't even hockey players. And build them up to be the next best dynasty team."

"Brilliant!" The expert happily slapped an open palm onto the table.

Mayor McCheese quickly scribbled down some names and slid the notepad over to the expert. "I want these players for my team."

The expert scanned the list of names and nodded.

"Offer them whatever it is they want," Mayor McCheese said. "Just make sure they play on my team."

The expert nodded. He knew the Mayor was loaded with cash, so he saw no problem with the money part of it. He just didn't know how he was going to get some of these people to play


	2. Chapter One

And the players are introduced. :D With all these different types of characters I have a feeling my mind will turn this into a huge soap opera.

* * *

**Chapter 1 - The Swamp Rats Come Together**

Inspector Zenigata stood in front of the chief's desk, his back straight and stiff as he stared out the window while the chief continued to scream at him.

"You call this penmanship?" the chief screamed as he held up a report. "Look at these crooked 'i's! And are these disgraceful scribbles supposed to be 'm's? Hideous!"

Zenigata did all he could to withhold his anger as the chief threw the papers in his face.

"You suck as a cop! You suck as a janitor! You couldn't even fill the vending machines right! How am I supposed to know where the Snickers are if they're in backwards?"

Zenigata held in his tears. The chief was right. He was always right.

"And now you can't even do something as simple as write! You are a pathetic excuse for a human being and should just curl up and die!" the chief screamed.

Zenigata flinched at the comment. He knew he was sad, but not sad enough to die.

The chief straightened his tie and composed himself. "Your services at Interpol are no longer welcomed. I have printed out the correct forms and will just need your signature."

Zenigata slowly rolled his eyes down as the papers were slid across the desk towards him. With a defeated sigh he picked up his chiefs special pen and signed his name.

Zenigata didn't wait for his chief to thank him for finally leaving his sight or any snarky comments the chief may have had at the tip of his tongue. He didn't need any of that. What he needed was booze. And lots of it.

Unfortunately for him, the bar he had chosen to go to was inhabited by Lupin and his partners.

Lupin's eyes lit up for the first time in years at the sight of Zenigata and he was quickly on his feet and planting his ass in the chair across the table from his old nemesis.

"I'm not in the mood," Zenigata muttered before Lupin even had a chance to say anything.

"Aw, ya look so sad," Lupin said with a smile. "What big dark secrets are bothering you? Come on, you can tell me." He leaned in and waited.

Zenigata lowered his head as he stared down at the mug of beer in front of him. "I was fired."

"Fired?" Lupin gasped.

"I figured you woulda quit when they had you filling the vending machines," Jigen said as he walked up and sat down, Goemon and Fujiko following, the table soon full.

"Tch, yeah, talk about embarrassing," Fujiko said.

"And now... I have nothing," Zenigata sighed.

"You have us," Lupin said loudly with an excited look on his face. "We can all go camping! Or, or, skydiving! Oh, I know, bear hunting!"

The others at the table stared in annoyance at him.

"Lupin, I don't think he wants to hang around with us," Jigen said.

"What?" Lupin looked sadly at Zenigata. "No! You can't want that! We're the cool kids! We know all the cool places to go!"

"The chief said I should die," Zenigata muttered. "Maybe I follow his suggestion."

"No!" Lupin yelled, lunging across the table and wrapping his arms tightly around Zenigata. "I won't let you die!"

Goemon said something, but nobody heard him. Nobody ever heard him. He was starting to wonder if he was a ghost.

Jigen pulled Lupin off Zenigata while Zenigata wept and Fujiko yelled at Lupin for making him cry. Goemon continued to ramble, not that it mattered what he had to say.

Entering the bar was a man in a nice suit. He stopped as the door closed behind him and scanned the room, spotting the table that was the most loud and active.

"Excuse me, gentlemen," the man said as he adjusted his thin wire frame glasses.

The table got quiet as they all stared up at him.

"I think you took a wrong turn somewhere, mister," Lupin said, giving the man a confused glare.

"These are for you," the man said as he handed the men at the table slips of paper.

They took them and started to read.

"A hockey team?" Lupin wondered. "Sorry, but I don't want to own a hockey team." He held the paper out for the man, but the man didn't take it.

"It isn't for you to own the team. It's for you to play on the team."

"Play?" Lupin asked. "Like, play hockey? With sticks and pucks and stuff?"

The man gave him an unsure look and nodded slowly. "I think that is what playing hockey involves, yes."

Lupin started to laugh.

Zenigata's eyes opened wide at the dollar amount. "One million dollars?"

Lupin stopped laughing at looked down at the paper.

"A season?" Zenigata said in amazement.

The man nodded.

"You're too old," Jigen remarked. "Hell, I'm too old for this shit. No thanks."

"Wait, no, Jigen," Lupin said quickly. "This could be what we're missing! This could be fun!"

"I am up for the challenge," Goemon said. He then opened his eyes and looked around as the others stared strangely at him. "Oh, so now you listen to me?" he said with a glare.

"Fine," Jigen said. "But I want double. No, triple that amount."

"That could be arranged," the man said.

"I want what he's getting," Lupin said as he pointed to Jigen.

"Same here," Zenigata said as he pictured himself swimming in hundred dollar bills.

The man nodded and handed them pens.

"But, wait, what about me?" Fujiko whined. "I want money!"

"Hockey is a man's sport," Jigen said as he signed his name. "Stupid broads aren't allowed."

"Okay, fine, then I want Man Fujiko to play in my place," Fujiko said as she crossed her arms over her giant chest.

Lupin dropped the pen halfway through signing his name, nothing but fear in his eyes.

"Oh, don't worry, Lupin, I'll make sure he doesn't rape you this time." She wrapped an arm around his and flirted with him.

"Pr-promis?" Lupin asked in a low voice.

"Don't trust her, Lupin," Jigen warned.

"How about we put that in the contract, then," Fujiko suggested. "If he rapes you I don't get any money."

"Don't do it..." Jigen said.

"Well, if I say yes, will you sleep with me?" Lupin asked hopefully.

"Of course I will," Fujiko said as she kissed his cheek.

Jigen groaned as Lupin agreed to the deal. Fujiko had never slept with Lupin. Ever. 'He should feel lucky that Man Fujiko took a liking to him,' Jigen thought.

Papers signed, the man took them and told them to expect a phone call. Bidding them farewell he left the bar.

...

In the blistering heat of Las Vegas, in an old office, sat three men in black clothing.

"Man, we haven't gotten any jobs at all lately," whined one of the men.

"Way to state the obvious, Aaron," another said unhappily.

"Shut up, Nick," Aaron muttered.

"Guys," the third man said as he stood from his chair. "We can't sit around here being sad about our state of affairs. I mean, that's not cool."

"So, what do we do about it, then, Zak?" Nick wondered with a hint of anger.

"Yeah, SyFy ruined the whole paranormal thing with their hundreds of lame paranormal shows. Everyone thinks it's a joke now." Aaron glared off at the floor.

"And we're letting them win, guys," Zak exclaimed. "The Travel Channel still has our back. We just need to come up with something."

"We hunt ghosts," Nick said in a raised voice. "That's what we do! That's all we know!"

"Saying it that way makes us sound sad," Aaron joked.

Nick glared at him.

"Aaron is right, Nick. Maybe it's time we branch out, do something different."

"Like what?" Nick asked unhappily.

"Hey, that sounds cool," Aaron said, getting excited at the idea of new things.

"I don't know," Zak said as he thought very hard on the idea, squinting his eyes as he stared at the wall. "Maybe we could do something like-"

A knock on the door made them jump to their feet and rush towards it, Zak flinging the door open and the three staring happily at the person standing across from them.

The well dressed spectacled man tried to stay calm, although his first thought was to flee the scene.

"Hello, sir," Zak said. "Please, come in, come in."

Nick and Aaron grabbed the man and yanked him inside of the office, forcing him down into a chair.

"What can we do for you?" Zak asked as he leaned down into the man's face.

The man pulled his head back as far as he could, trying to get some amount of space between his face and Zak's.

"Coffee?" Aaron asked as he held out a cup.

The man wasn't so sure, but took it just in case not doing so was seen as insulting. He smiled nervously at Zak, as he wasn't able to see the others through Zak's head.

"Give him some space, man," Nick said as he pushed Zak back an inch, feeling that was enough room for the man to breathe.

"I... I have these for you," the man said as he pulled three folded pieces of paper out of his jacket pocket.

"Contracts," Zak said as he snatched the papers from the man's hands.

"They're giving us our old show back?" Aaron asked as he took a piece of paper.

"Hockey?" Nick wondered, looking down at the man. "What is this?"

"Hockey," Zak said in thought. "Hey, chicks dig hockey, right?"

Aaron just stared at him.

"The Sacramento Swamp Rats..." Nick said as he read the paper.

"Hey, remember when we investigated there?" Aaron said happily. "That was crazy!"

"One... million?" Zak yelled. "Are you kidding me?"

"What? No way!" Aaron scanned the paper.

"Oh my god, guys," Zak said, almost hyperventilating. "Do you know what this means?"

"We're gonna be rich!" Nick said.

"Well, yeah, that. But it also means we have our new show!"

"New show?" Aaron asked, confused at what Zak meant.

"We join a hockey team and cameras follow us around, see what we do, watch us on the ice."

Aaron looked over at the man. "Is that cool with you? Because that's cool with me."

The man nodded. "I'm sure I can work something out."

"Awesome! Guys, we're back in!" Zak yelled happily.

The three celebrated, signed the contracts and then called the Travel Channel about their new idea.

(A/N: I have no idea what they make for their show, but in this story they are unemployed and sad, so any amount of money is good in their book. xD)

...

Twonk sat at his boss' desk, feet up as he shuffled through the days mail. Seeing a letter for him, he threw all the others in the trash and opened it.

"What is this?" he wondered. "Playing hockey for the team in Sacramento? They have a team?"

He continued to read the paper when his boss came in.

"Twonk, get your feet of my desk. And your ass out of my chair."

"Hey, Snidne, guess who was offered to play professional hockey?"

Snidne stared at him, not amused as he hadn't moved from the desk like he was told.

"Me," Twonk said happily.

"Heh, yeah right," Snidne said as he shoved Twonk to the floor. "Probably just someone trying to get all your information."

"No, look. I think it's real." He handed the paper to Snidne.

Snidne rolled his eyes and took the paper, staring down at it. "Yeah, I guess it does look legit..." His eyes then stopped as he read the dollar figure. "A million dollars..." he muttered.

"What?" Twonk got up off the floor and read over Snidne's shoulder.

"You get a million dollars if you agree to play," Snidne said. "All my bills could be payed off..."

"Your bills?" Twonk scoffed. "It'll be my money."

"My bills are all caused from you destroying everything and sucking at your job," Snidne yelled. He then grabbed Twonk and thrust a pen into his face. "Sign it!" he growled.

Scared, Twonk took the pen and quickly signed his name.

Snidne shoved him away and stared happily at the paper. He was finally going to be a millionaire, if only for a little while.

Breaking him from his happy state was a loud crash at the door. He groaned, the door now laying on the floor in pieces.

"Guys," Kyashii, Twonk's sister, yelled happily as she ran inside.

"Why do you teach her these things?" Snidne asked desperately of Twonk, who was still the master of kicking down doors.

Twonk just shrugged.

"Guess who's gonna play hockey?" she squealed happily as she held up a piece of paper.

Twonk stared at her blank-faced

"Two million dollars," Snidne said happily as he stared off, the smile once again returning to his face.

...

The well dressed man got out of his car and looked around, spotting the man in the photo he was given. He did a double take.

Was his boss serious?

"I thought the league had a height requirement..." the man said.

The next person on his list was short with an impressive afro. The man approached him as he sat and licked at an ice cream cone happily.

"Hello, sir," the man said. "Is this you?"

The afro midget looked at the photo and at the name written below it. He looked up at the man and nodded.

The man was not pleased. He had a job to do, though, so he pulled out the contract and gave it to the little guy.

Afro Midget began to read and then looked up at the man quizzically.

The man shrugged.

Afro Midget smiled big and signed his name.

The man frowned and took the paper. "My boss will be calling you," he told Afro Midget before leaving to his car.

Afro Midget was thrilled, barely able to contain his excitement.

(yet another A/N: I know the character has a name, but hell if I can remember it. He will always be known as Afro Midget to me. Plus that is what I named him in the game. I got my Stumpy, yay! :D)

...

The well dressed man entered the small coffee shop in El Paso, Texas. He looked at the man up on the small stage set up at the back of the shop. The man matched the man in the picture he was given.

The man on stage was a little over six feet tall and hispanic. His hair, like his goatee, was cut short. He was dressed casually as he stood before a small crowd, lines of a deep and meaningful poem rolling off his tongue like butter. The people were into what he was saying, nodding at every eloquent rhyme, frowning as the passages turned dark and depressing, but smiling when all came out good in the end.

The well dressed man found himself joining with the other patrons as they applauded the man's work.

The poet bowed and left the stage.

The well dressed man approached him. "Are you Crispy Bacon?"

The hispanic man nodded. "Yeah, you an agent or something?"

"Just a messenger." The man handed Crispy his contract.

"Wow, you serious?" Crispy asked excitedly. "Hockey? No way!"

"If you agree to the terms, I will need your signature to make the deal."

"Man, this is awesome. This is like the calming sounds of serene streams as the autumn leaves slowly drift down and gently lay themselves onto the water, only to be carried away like a Viking at his funeral."

The well dressed man only stared at Crispy.

"Did you know I used to play?" Crispy said as he signed the paper. "In Long Beach back in the day. Roller hockey was hot. Stealing the puck and making the shot. The asphalt soaking in the summer rays. We were all sweating while thinking of-"

"Thank you, Mister Bacon," the well dressed man said, cutting off Crispy's awful poetic retelling of his past. He took the paper and placed in back into his jacket pocket. "My boss will be calling you."

"Awesome. Thanks, bro!" Crispy waved as the man left.

...

Trevor was a young man living in London. He was jobless and sponged off friends, who were more than happy to help.

His life was once grand, working construction and building things. When he was laid off two years earlier he thought he'd get another job right away. That job never came, though.

It was just he and his cat, living in a small apartment in the crummy part of town. He felt it lucky to have electricity and an old TV set his friend have given him so he could watch the shows he liked to watch.

One thing he didn't like, however, was the fact that he had a phone. It was something he needed, however, so he kept it. But every so often...

"Hello?" he answered, hoping it was some type of job offer.

"Hey, I was wondering if you could do a job for me," the man on the other line said.

Trevor was excited. "I am free, yes. What is it you need?"

"Well, we got ourselves a pest problem."

"What sort of pests?"

"Bats. Big ones."

Trevor shuddered. He hated bats. But he needed the money.

"I can get rid of bats, if you wish."

"Well, I really need for you to get rid of one bat. But, it's large. And sometimes it becomes several hundred bats when it doesn't want to be caught."

Trevor was perplexed.

"Although, this bat looked more like a human than anything."

Trevor narrowed his eyes, his hand clutching his phone tighter.

"He said his name was Dracula," the man on the other line said as people in the background laughed. "You take care of Draculas?"

The line quickly went dead before Trevor could say anything.

He hated being a Belmont. Especially since he and Dracula were pretty good friends, Trevor finding out that the vampire wasn't such a bad guy after all.

"Stupid ancestors..." Trevor muttered, going back to his TV shows.

Too annoyed to concentrate on the show Trevor decided to go check his mail, figuring his box would be empty like every other day.

To his surprise it wasn't, an envelope sitting inside. He got his hopes up, but figured it was junk mail. Or mail for the man who used to live in the apartment.

"Sacramento, California, USA," Trevor read from the return address. "I don't know anybody there."

He opened the envelope and took out the piece of paper. "Hockey? Really?" He was disappointed. He wasn't much into sports. But then he got to the dollar figure and everything changed.

Excited, he signed the bottom and ran to the nearest post box to drop the letter off at.

Elsewhere in London in another small crummy apartment lived an odd man. He was odd in looks, odd in behavior and odd in pretty much everything else.

He lived a quiet and often adventurous life with his good friend Teddy, the stuffed bear he treated as if it were alive. And human.

The man was named Mister Bean. Nobody knew his first name. They weren't even sure if he himself knew what it was.

He had gotten dressed earlier that day and was planning on a trip to the park, excited about what the excursion would bring him.

Last week while on a simple walk he somehow got involved with a bank robbery, ending up stopping the men and apprehending them, leaving a note with them for the police as he continued on his way.

The police were dumbfounded as to how any of it happened. Witnesses were, too, and they had watched the whole thing.

Mister Bean was just that type of person, though.

He poured Teddy another cup of tea and waved him goodbye, an oblivious smile on his face as he wandered into the hallway.

On his way out the door he noticed the mailman struggling to shove more mail into an already full box.

Mr. Bean stood and watched before realizing that he had forgotten to get his mail over the last month.

He walked up to the box and smiled at the mailman while he began to yank the envelopes from the crammed box.

The mailman only glared at him before turning and storming out.

Mr. Bean glanced over the mail, throwing away what bored him and keeping what didn't.

One of those things was an envelope from the United States.

Foreign mail, even if it was junk, interested him, so he took it and went back to his apartment, completely forgetting about the walk in the park.

He hurried through the door and shut it behind him. "Look," he said in his odd voice as he held the envelope out for Teddy to see.

Teddy seemed interested.

"California," Mr. Bean said as he ripped open the envelope and took out the paper.

Teddy wanted to know what it was.

"Wow," Mr. Bean said as he read the paper. He held it out for Teddy to read.

He and Teddy both agreed to the idea.

A trip to California would be fun.

Mr. Bean signed the paper and shoved it messily back into the envelope that it had come with, carefully licking and sealing it.

Excited at the trip the more he thought about it, he ran around the room like a spazz as his mind rushed at what to do first.

...

A man grumbled as he kicked the fender of the car he was working on, quickly getting screamed at by his boss about damaging other peoples cars and having to pound out the dents if he had made any.

The man glared at his boss as he swept the hair away from his face, his odd part and longish hair causing it to cover one of his eyes.

He was once somebody who made extraordinary things, but now he was stuck in that time period, forced to get stupid jobs so he could afford to buy the parts he needed to get him back to the future where he felt at home.

Being good with mechanical things, he became an auto mechanic, finding the job less fulfilling than he thought as cars of that period were just so simple.

The well dressed man pulled up to the shop and got out, adjusting his glasses as he stared at the man leaning under the hood of the old Chevy.

"Mamou," the man said as he walked towards him.

Mamou pulled himself away from the car and glared at the man. "I am him."

"My boss wanted me to give you this." The man handed Mamou a contract.

"Hockey," Mamou scoffed. "Brutal animalistic blood sport."

The man grinned, waiting for Mamou to quickly change his mind as some of the others had.

Mamou's eyes opened wide. "A million dollars? To skate around and hit people?"

The man nodded.

Mamou did the quick calculations in his head. With the need to build a new lab and all the equipment and supplies, his bill was well over a million dollars. "I won't play for less than five million."

"That can be arranged," the man said.

Mamou smiled evilly and signed the paper, not really knowing what he was getting himself into.

...

The next person on the list was a man that everyone knew. Although after a certain accident he wasn't quite the same man everyone had come to know.

His name? Now, they all knew his name.

He shimmied into a well known club that the rich liked to visit.

The rich people glanced up as he walked by, staring at his bright pink jacket and fluffy purple boa that seemed to steal peoples breaths as they saw it.

The bartender looked up as he approached the bar.

"Martini," the man ordered. "Thaken, not thtirred." He didn't even try to say it seriously, his words ending with a small giggle.

"Certainly, Mister Bond," the bartender said as he prepared the drink.

The spectacled man now knew why "Gay" was thrown on the front of the man's name.

"Bond?" the spectacled man said. "James Bond?"

"Yeth?" Gay James Bond said as he turned and looked up and down the man with a wanting smile.

The man took a step back. He was paid well, but not that well.

"Are you... here for buthineth?" Gay James Bond laughed deeply.

The man took another step back as he began to sweat. He never sweated. But this man... Oh, this was a very powerful man.

"Pleathure, then?" Gay James Bond teased.

"N-no!" the man said, offended by the thought.

"Haha, I'm jutht joking around with you, good thir."

"Oh. I see..."

"Tho, why have you come to thee me?" Gay James Bond put on his professional face.

The man took a step forward and handed him his contract.

"Hmmm," Gay James Bond mused as he read the paper. "Undercover work, ith it?"

"Suh-something like that," the man said as he looked around nervously.

"Interethting..." Gay James Bond smiled his charming smile and signed the paper.

...

"Is to!" a man yelled as he was in the face of another man.

The other man screamed something in Japanese.

"You dare insult my intelligence?" the first man yelled, spit now flying from his mouth.

It was an odd site, as the man was thin and bald and resembled a rodent.

The man he yelled at was short and Japanese, with modern Japenese clothing and rich flowing Japanese hair.

The Japanese man screamed at the rodentia being.

"Oh. Oh! You did not just call Captain Kirk that!" the rodent-like one said.

The Japanese man nodded and said something else.

"Oh, that is it! I'm calling for a phaser, light saber duel, Yoda Boy!"

The Japanese man said something, agreeing to the battle.

Before they could prepare, though, the spectacled man walked up to them, finding it odd that he'd find both of them in the same place, but happy that it worked out this way.

"Gentlemen," the man said.

He looked at the rat creature and flinched.

"What is it?" the ratted one wondered. "We have a duel!"

"Duel!" that Japanese man blurted out poorly.

"Your duel will have to wait." The man pulled out their contracts and handed them over. "Rodent Man. Kaneto Shiozawa."

The two men looked at them and gazed lovingly at the dollar amount.

"So," the man said as he glanced at each one, "is your duel put on hold for now?"

The two shook their heads like the loyal servants they were.

"Good." The man gave each a pen and they singed on the dotted line.

He took the contracts from them and put them back inside of his jacket. "My boss will be calling you. In the mean time, you can practice you dueling techniques on opposing players."

"Can I bring my phaser?" Rodent Man asked as he glared at Kaneto.

"I suppose," the man sighed, leaving the two glaring at each other.

He never got the whole Star Trek versus Star Wars battle. Especially when Battlestar Galactica was so much better.

(A/N: Rodent Man was a guy on HGTV. I tried to find out his name, but he seems to have never existed on that channel or something. And I can't remember the name of the show he had. But he was this bald Italian guy with a big nose and he reminded me of a rodent.)

...

On the eastern coast of the United States were two equally evil forces. One was much more powerful than the other, but they both caused fear among the residents.

The residents were happy that the two had turned to fighting each other for a change, rather than causing death and destruction on them.

The two shared the same father, but that was where their relations stopped. The lesser evil one, named Carl, was born in a test tube, as his father loved the boys mother, but not enough to sleep with her. The more evil one, Allen, was the product of his fathers affair with a horrible voice actor, science used to create him.

Both wanted to control the world. They did have their fathers genes, after all, so it was only natural. Gores will be Gores.

The well dressed man wasn't sure how this would work. He knew he had to work fast so one wouldn't have enough time to tip the other off, as he would never be able to sign them both if that were to happen.

"Mayor McCheese," the man sighed with a slight smile. "Helping to bring two siblings closer together. Such a valiant man."

To get this task done the man hired another well dressed man. They would both approach the Gore brothers at the same time. That way, there would be no failure.

"If he wants more money, tell him it is okay," the man told the other man.

The other man nodded nervously, even though he got the better behaved Carl.

"You will do fine," the well dressed man said.

The other man straightened up, ready for the task. Mayor McCheese, whoever he was, was counting on him.

Allen was busy making adjustments to his new machine, one which could change a persons mind through diabolical thought waves. So far it only worked on chickens, but Allen was sure the new adjustments would fix everything.

He wasn't too interested being a hockey player until the well dressed man did the unthinkable and said any offer was accepted.

Allen wanted two hundred million just to get rid of the guy, but was shocked when the man accepted the dollar amount.

Too shocked to do anything rational, Allen signed the contract.

Carl was sitting in his secret lair brooding, as he often did. Allen always got the upper hand, his brother being more evil and cunning than him.

"I'll never be as good as him," he sighed as he strung another piece of popcorn to his decorative popcorn and fruit garland.

The garland was his baby, working on it for the last four years. It had long ago surpassed the mile length and was now going on six miles long.

Why he needed it and what he was going to do with the thing, he didn't know. It just soothed his soul to work on it.

The other well dressed man was escorted to the lair by a man in a white jumpsuit. He met Carl and found him to be most pleasant.

Carl stared at the contract he was handed. His eyes widened. This was what he needed, something different in his life.

Plus a million dollars could buy a lot of popcorn and dried fruit.

He signed the paper and handed it back to the man.

The man was pleased, bidding Carl and good day and leaving.

The two well dressed men met in a parking lot later that day, both pleased that everything went as planned.

The well dressed man took the contract and handed the other man a nice fee.

The man was happy and said his goodbyes before leaving.

The well dressed man knew his boss would be ecstatic. He took off for the nearest airport. He wanted to deliver the news in person


	3. Chapter Two

I didn't reread this chapter to fix any mistakes, so hopefully nothing too embarrassing got typed up by accident. xD

* * *

**Chapter 2 - The Team Meets**

Four other players were chosen for the team, none of them known and all of them free agents happy to have a new home. One was a man from Italy who knew very little English and was an expert in everything pasta. Another was a man from Japan, someone who knew no English. The third was a man from Canada who spoke English very well and also knew French. The last was a Frenchman who, like the Canadian, knew English and French. These four, along with the other twenty, were told to meet up at Mayor McCheese's stately mansion.

One by one they arrived, the man at the door greeting each one as large breasted women in skimpy Swamp Rat themed outfits showed them to the back patio, where the meet and greet was to take place.

Zenigata arrived first. He needed to stake the place out.

Even though he was no longer a cop, he was still a suspicious bastard and knew this was all some sort of nefarious plot by Lupin.

"Hello, sir, and wel-"

The old butler at the door was manhandled by Zenigata and had his face grabbed and his skin pulled in every direction. Thinking it was either a mask put on with really good glue or the slim possibility that it was really the man's face, Zenigata let go of him and continued on.

The women in skimpy outfits were heard shrieking as he made his way through the house. He couldn't be too careful.

Zak, Nick and Aaron arrived next, greeting the butler. Zak and Aaron then flirted around with some of the women before the three finally managed to make their way out to the back.

There they were served drinks and food, consuming both as they stood by the pool.

They eyed Zenigata, who was busy pouncing every small bush and jumping behind every tree, muttering something about a Lupin and arresting him.

"Dude..." Nick said.

"What is he doing?" Aaron wondered as he gave him an odd look.

Zak shrugged and then went looking for more booze.

Twonk and Kyashii came next, Twonk annoyed at his sister and trying to keep her focused on why they were there, Kyashii too interested staring at all of the expensive shiny things around her.

He dumped her shortly after stepping inside, no longer caring if she robbed the place blind.

"Not my stuff," he muttered.

He smiled at the women as they smiled and winked at him.

They showed him to the back patio, his eyes opening wide and glistening at the site of all of the food, or rather, the site of the large ramen cart that had been set up.

There was no longer a world around him, for everything now revolved around ramen.

Mister Bean and Teddy quickly left the limo they arrived in.

The butler bowed and began to greet them, nothing but a blur passing by as Mister Bean ran inside, his feet going in all directions as he tried to figure out what to see first.

With no clear thought in his mind, Mister Bean ran off in a random direction and ended up in the hall closet, his gasps of amazement heard echoing from within.

Rodent Man arrived next. He gave the butler and the women and the other players no time as he picked a spot in the middle of the massive lawn the back yard held.

He shed his jacket to reveal a shirt similar to the one Spock wore. He flexed his wrists and practiced pulling out his phaser, his mind only on the duel.

Zenigata was now sitting at a table alone and getting drunk.

Twonk was busy teaching Zak the art of Ramen while Nick and Aaron were having their own pool party with Teddy.

Mister Bean had left the hall closet and was now busy gazing inside of the pantry, making sure to take lots of pictures.

Kaneto arrived at the mansion dressed in full Obi Wan Kenobi costume. He didn't even bother to go in the house or to approach it.

Setting his plastic light saber next to him, he sat in the grass on the front lawn and meditated.

The force needed to be strong in him.

Mamou slammed the door to the limo shut, walking quickly up the brick path to the front of the mansion.

He ignored the butler and women, needing to find this Mayor McCheese he had spoken to.

He wanted his money and he wanted it now.

The future wasn't going to wait around for him forever.

The people in the back then sat up, their eyes getting huge as their ears felt as if they were going to explode from the sudden loud noise they were hearing.

Drinking glasses shattered as people held them, the windows on the mansion rattled, and the water in the pool strangely started to rotate.

"Damn it, Kay," Twonk muttered, getting up to see why his sister had made such a terrifying sound.

In the main hallway of the mansion he found her, her arms wrapped tightly around the waist of Mamou.

Mamou stood looking frightened, his eyes darting around as he searched for a way to escape her deadly grasp.

"Kay," Twonk yelled. "Let go of him!"

"But, don't you know who this is?" she asked as her eyes got big and sparkled.

Twonk stood and stared up at Mamou.

"Do something," Mamou yelled in a panic stricken voice.

"Sorry," Twonk said nervously as he chuckled. He rushed over and pried Kyashii away from Mamou. "She's just a huge fan of yours."

Now free from the rabid fan, Mamou turned and fled. He wanted to stay far away from her, which was more motivation than he needed to hurry up with the lab preparations and making a new time machine.

Lupin, Jigen, Goemon and Man Fujiko arrived next, the four walking towards the house.

Goemon glanced over at Kaneto and, thinking he was some sort of traveling monk, walked over and sat next to him, the two meditating together.

Lupin quickly began to flirt with the women as they flirted back. 'Best life decision ever,' he thought happily as they walked off to a random room in the house.

Jigen watched and sighed, looking through the house to the back patio, where sounds of others rose and faded.

The distinct smell of booze then hit his nose and he knew that was where he needed to be.

Man Fujiko followed Lupin and the women, sneaking up to the door that has been shut and locked. The sounds he heard through the solid wood door made him jealous, angry, sad and lonesome.

Why didn't Lupin ever want to be with him? What did he do to deserve such a sad fate?

He knew his only cure was intoxication, so he went to where the booze was.

Gay James Bond was the next arrival, swishing his way past the butler and the women, who he only smiled at.

The women knew he was gay, but his body was telling them something different. And after their time with Lupin, they were more hornier than ever.

They secretly began to plan his kidnapping. They had to have this gay man's body.

The other guests stopped what they were doing as Gay James Bond stepped out of the house and onto the patio, all staring at him in silence.

He giggled and greeted them, finding himself a table to sit at and having a drink alone.

The others slowly inched away from him, hoping he wouldn't notice their movements.

When Crispy Bacon arrived, the party began.

He hooked up his MP3 player to the speakers outside and blasted the music.

Drinks were poured and the fun started.

Bond liked Bacon, as Bacon actually talked to him and invited him to join in on the fun.

The others continued to party, but did so away from Bond.

Zenigata was passed out drunk as Lupin continued on with the hyperactive conversation he was having with him, not caring that Zenigata didn't hear a word of what he said.

Mamou snuck around armed with a bat. He wasn't going to let that freaky fan near him again if he could help it.

Mister Bean was taking lots of pictures inside of the kitchen. Next on his list of places to go was the bathroom. He was very excited.

By the time Afro Midget walked out into the yard everyone was either too preoccupied or drunk to care that a midget was going to be on their team.

Bacon invited him into the pool, dubbing him "Little Dude".

Afro Midget smiled big and joined in on the fun.

Carl came next. He still moped over his more powerful brother. He needed to figure out how to out-power him.

Being on a hockey team wasn't that answer, but maybe the money he earned, what wasn't spent of fruit and popcorn, could solve all his problems.

He didn't want to join in on the fun, instead choosing to sit at a table away from the others and think.

Mamou continued his search for the man who was going to make him a millionaire. He found a gas powered hedge trimmer and armed himself with that.

It wasn't much and was probably not as good as the bat, but at least he could maybe traumatize Kyashii by cutting her hair or something.

By the time Trevor stepped into the backyard everyone was busy doing their own thing.

A lot of loud "Bro"s and "Dude"s were shouted from the pool. Loud happy shrieks were followed by the humming of hedge clippers and screams of agony. Drunk ramblings of the power of ramen. Hums of meditation were barely audible from the back over all the other noise. Loud snores from a back table. Lisps and giggles from poolside. Overexcited ramblings of a man talking to nobody.

Trevor glanced around and was now sad he had come. He hoped working with all of these people was worth the money.

He went back into the house to find the skimpy broads that had greeted him on his arrival.

"You!"

The voice was loud and filled with seething hatred.

Carl looked up from his drink, to the man who pointed a shaky finger at him. "A-Allen!" he said in fear.

Allen narrowed his eyes at his half brother and invited himself at the table, sitting down across from the less handsome part of the family.

"Um... what are you doing here?" Carl asked, trying to sound pleasant, not wanting to set his brother off.

"Sadly, I'm almost broke," Allen said "Trying to rule the world isn't cheap. And this man came to me about playing some idiotic sport for millions. I felt it was worth it. What are you doing here?" He looked at Carl and sneered.

"Same... same reason." Carl shrugged. "Well, I mean, not the whole ruling the world thing... not really... but, the money sounded good, so..."

"Yes, the money." A creepy evil smile formed on Allen's lips.

Carl nodded and smiled nervously. He then jumped when Allen slammed a hand down on the table.

"Stay out of my way, person who doesn't deserve to be called my half brother," Allen growled as he pointed his finger in Carl's face.

"But, we're..." Carl watched as his brother walked off and sighed. "We're on the same team..."

The group considered what they were doing when a man, the handsome brute of a human specimen with glasses, talked into a microphone as he stood on the stage that was set up.

"Can I have your attention, please," he said.

The future players stopped what they were doing and looked up at him, Zenigata having to be awakened with the help of Lupin and a folding chair to the side of the head.

Goemon, annoyed at the Japanese Obi Wan and his continuous humming, got up and wandered to the back, to where he sat with Zenigata, Lupin and Jigen.

"First off," the man continued, "I want to thank all of you for agreeing to be a part of history."

Some in the group nodded. They were gonna be rich and famous.

"I hope you all got a chance to meet your fellow teammates today. You will have more of a chance at bonding tonight, where a stately dinner will be served for you all."

Lupin drooled at the thought of food.

"And now, I want to introduce to you our boss and the owner of the next great NHL team, the Sacramento Swamp Rats!"

The man motioned to the back door and clapped along with the players as Mayor McCheese opened both back doors and walked onto the stage.

The clapping quickly stopped as mouths dropped open. A few glasses shattered as they fell to the ground. Some murmured as a few looked embarrassed.

Lupin stuttered and stammered in excitement, finally standing and pointing at Mayor McCheese. "Oh my god," he yelled.

Jigen and Goemon looked at each other and sighed, both standing and grabbing Lupin, forcing him back into his seat.

Lupin stared in wide-eyed excitement, the drool pouring from his mouth.

"No," Jigen yelled.

Lupin pointed. "But, but, but... giant cheeseburger!"

"You are not eating our boss," Jigen said as he and Goemon now struggled to hold Lupin back.

"But... why not?" Lupin whined as he reached out in front of him, wanting desperately to sink his teeth into the giant cheeseburger head before him.

"It's got eyes, Lupin," Jigen said. "And a mouth! And it wears a hat! You can't eat something that wears a hat!"

Lupin, defeated in his hunger quenching quest, threw his head down onto the table and let out a long and lonely sigh.

"Thank you," Mayor McCheese said to the crowd, who were now more or less used to seeing his figure before them. "I am Mayor McCheese and I want to thank each and every one of you personally for coming today."

"Cheese," Lupin whined loudly, his face still down on the table.

"I'm getting paid by a walking cheeseburger?" Mamou wondered in disappointment.

Lupin let out another pathetic whine.

"Shut up," Mamou yelled as he smashed the hedge clippers into Lupin's head, knocking him out.

Jigen and Goemon were glad not to have to hold him down any longer, letting him go and relaxing in their seats.

"If only his head was made of ramen," Twonk sighed sadly, his mind imagining what could have been.

Zak stared at the mayor with a very serious stare. "That could be demonic," he said, getting up and finding Nick and Aaron.

"As you have been told," Mayor McCheese said, "there will be a special dinner celebration tonight. You will all have rooms readied for you to sleep in tonight, tomorrow the day starting with a luxurious breakfast, followed by the unveiling of your own jerseys. A tour of your brand new stadium will take place, along with a showing of your equipment. Should you decide to test them out, the ice will be open. After an eloquent lunch, you will have time to relax before your first practice session at seven o'clock sharp."

The players didn't pay attention to anything he said other than all the meals they were going to eat, some of them not having a nice full meal in months.

Mister Bean walked up and snapped a picture of Mayor McCheese, then gave him the thumbs up as he walked off to check out more of the yard.

Mayor McCheese only smiled cheerfully.

His dream was now coming true before his very eyes.

* * *

Random notes time! :D

Friends have told me that Afro Midget speaks. This fact disturbs me greatly. Either I don't remember him talking, never got that far into the show to see this horrific event taking place or my hatred of him was so great that he disappeared from the TV. But, I didn't think he talked, which is why he's been mute these past two chapters. I kind of like the idea of him being mute, actually. But, if he does talk I guess I'll have to force my eyes to gaze upon his hideous form and see what his character is actually like.

Twonk calls his sister by her first initial, but writing out K looks dumb to me, so I make it Kay, which still looks dumb but isn't so apt to get lost in the shuffle.

These long chapters with every person having some sort of part are hard to write. There will only be one or two more chapters this happens in, the next chapter being them at practice and the wackiness that ensues.

I miss Mr. Bean. My DVD set of the shows was borrowed years ago and I have never seen them since. :( Guess I'll have to buy them (with money I don't have, thanks) if I ever want to watch the shows again. Or I can just watch shitty versions of them on the internet. No, no, I'm not bitter or anything. Not at all...


	4. Chapter three

So, a back story on Gay James Bond...  
Gay James Bond came to be after Daniel Craig said that in the next Bond movie he should have a relationship with a man and that there should be full frontal male nudity. I really don't know if he was serious or not or what his point was, if it was some lame ass attempt at the "I'm not a homophobe" bullshit crap idiots with no self esteem like to blabber on about. Whatever it was, it was crap, and as long as he's James Bond, he's Gay James Bond. But, me and my brother, when we heard this, figured he was gay or something. Not sure who coined the term Gay James Bond, but it was born from that.  
I then took that and wrote a quick comic idea that I wanted to do where Gay James Bond and Twonk are enemies. But in the story it's James Bond who is out to kill Twonk, but a freak accident causes his body to be taken over by a gay guy, so then he becomes Gay James Bond.  
Just so things in this chapter make a little more sense.  
And I think I remember myself saying I'd never write a character with a lisp, so, how did things turn out this way? D:

And oh god, another chapter with everyone in it, plus the four random people I threw in. D: And this is long, rambly, and some of the scenes would work better as video montages, which I can't write very well, so things are odd in places. Might be too much unneeded info, but the story part of it starts to form at the end of this thing. And I used to be really into hockey and dreamed of playing it, but that was years ago, so I forget all the terminology. xP

* * *

**Chapter Three - Practice**

Everyone was woken very early in the morning, most of the players stumbling out of bed and mumbling unkind things under their breath, wishing they hadn't had so much to drink during dinner.

The only ones who seemed used to the routine of waking up before the sun rose were Goemon and Rodent Man, both seeming to be in their usual mood as everyone sat at the table for breakfast.

Afro Midget, not one used to waking up early, was happy anyway, for some odd reason nobody wanted or cared to know.

They were kind of scared of him, staring in silence as he ate his eggs and toast with a huge smile on his face.

Kyashii, usually hyper and happy about everything, was quiet and looked sort of glum. Even her plate piled high with waffles drowned in syrup, fruit and whipped cream didn't make her smile.

Her brother glanced at her, not really caring she was in some sort of mood. He only cared about his food, a special meal of eggs and ham mixed into a massive bowl of ramen.

Mister Bean mumbled something under his breath and then looked over at Teddy. "Waffles?" he wondered, looking at Kyashii's plate and then back at Teddy. He slumped his shoulders and sighed in annoyance, leaving his plate of delicious food so he could go get Teddy some waffles.

Lupin snatched his plate while he was gone, getting glared at by Goemon. "What?" Lupin whined. "I'm hungry..."

Zenigata didn't even notice this violation of the law, too busy shoving eggs, bacon, potatoes and pancakes into his mouth.

The Gore brothers sat across from one another, eating slowly as they glared at each other, their eyes never disconnecting.

Nick and Aaron ate while talking to each other about their newest project.

Zak was too busy staring seriously at a painting of Mayor McCheese that hung on the far wall.

"Can you pass butter," Goemon asked Zak in the best English he could muster.

Zak jumped back and looked around. "Whoa, guys," he said, tapping Nick on the arm. "Guys, did you hear that?"

Nick and Aaron looked at each other and then at Zak.

"That voice," Zak said as he stood and looked around. "You guys didn't hear that? Oh my god..."

Goemon frowned at his plate. His pancakes would never be the same without butter.

"We need to document this, guys," Zak said excitedly as he walked from the table and started off to his room.

Nick and Aaron looked at Goemon as he looked at them, Aaron saying nothing as he slowly slid the butter towards him.

Goemon nodded and took it.

Gay James Bond sat alone and sad, the table full by the time he had arrived in the dining room. His hair always took so long to perfect.

"Are you enjoying your meal?" the spectacled man said as he wandered into the room.

Everyone nodded and voiced their approval.

"Good, good. In all of this excitement, I realized I never introduced myself." The man stood at the end of the table, everyone looking at him. "My name is Kelly Green. You may call me Kelly."

Lupin choked on his coffee. "Pfft, Kelly," he laughed.

"What were you saying, Arsene?" Jigen said as he rolled his eyes.

"Hey! That's a very nice name!"

"Really? Then why don't you go by it?"

"Be... because," Lupin stuttered as he really had no answer. "I just don't, okay?"

"Arsene is your name?" Trevor asked as he held in his laughter. "Your name begins with arse," he then laughed.

"Odd," Mister Bean said as he slowly nodded.

"Oh, like you would know odd," Lupin yelled. "You don't even have a first name!"

"You're making a scene, Lupin," Goemon said in Japanese just as Zak entered the room.

"There it is, again!" Zak said as he looked around, freaked out by it's presence.

"I here sitting," Goemon yelled as he glared at Zak.

Zak held out his hand, his fingers almost able to poke Goemon's eyes out they were so close. "Dude, guys, you feel any cold spots?"

"Dude, that's not a ghost," Aaron said.

"What are you talking about? This is like the best disembodied voice evidence we've gotten!"

"I no ghost," Goemon growled.

"Sure about that?" Lupin asked as he shoveled sausage links in his mouth.

Goemon glared as Zak shoved a recorder in his face.

"I can hear you," Zak said loudly. "Could you tell me your name?"

Goemon got up and left.

"Speak loudly into the device I'm holding," Zak said as he looked around. "Do you feel it anymore? I think it left."

"Yo, dude," Crispy Bacon said as he sat in Goemon's seat, which was next to Lupin's. "Don't worry about the name thing, bro. Crispy is my real name. It's cool, dude, I understand how you feel if you ever want to talk."

Lupin glared off as he chewed on the fifty sausage links shoved in his mouth.

"And I've always been known as Rodent Man," Rodent Man said, suddenly raising his head in the air and sniffing. "I smell cheese," he said frantically, standing and quickly searching it out.

Kaneto glared at him, keeping a close eye on his new nemesis.

Gay James Bond then spoke up. "The body of thith name I gueth ith Jameth Bond, but it'th much too manly for my tathteth," he said as he spit everywhere, his words followed by a giggle.

Twonk quickly looked up from his ramen. "That giggle..." He stood and pointed at Gay James Bond. "You!" he yelled in a deep and bellowing tone.

Gay James Bond shrieked in horror. "It'th you, you dithguthting filthy man!"

"Yeah? Well, at least I don't have AIDS," Twonk replied.

"I don't, either, thtupid," Bond yelled. "I demand that you fix thith meth you cauthed!"

The glares left the two men's faces, realization sinking in. How did they miss each other yesterday?

Realizing they were both probably thinking the same thing, they returned to glaring at each other.

"I still don't like you," Twonk said.

"And I dethpithe you," Bond said as he huffed up.

"Yo, guys," Bacon said. "We're all on the same team here. We should, like, get along and stuff, you know?"

Mamou watched in great anticipation as Lupin was in the middle of choking on the sausage links he couldn't wait to swallow. "Yes, die!" he said as he pounded his fists happily on the table.

Zenigata looked up from his food, realizing his only reason for living was dying. He jumped to his feet and rushed over, shoving Jigen out of the way and performing the heimlich on him, Lupin finally coughing up a large wad of half chewed meat, the disgusting mess landing on Afro Midget and almost crushing him.

Kelly Green watched all of this from afar and was hoping Mayor McCheese wasn't witnessing this disaster.

"And dinner went so well," he sighed as he left the room.

...

"And this is your state of the art gym," Green said as he led the players into the room, which was large and filled with various machines. The walls were painted a soothing and calming blue.

Man Fujiko smiled, imagining watching a sweaty Lupin in workout clothes as he used the exercise bike, his glistening and barely muscular legs pumping up and down and up and down. He sighed happily and then realized he was the only one in the room.

Hearing Green talking in the distance he rushed off towards the voice and caught up with the others.

"Pool party," Bacon yelled as he took his shirt off and kicked off his shoes, jumping into the pool they walked towards.

It was large and olympic sized. Mayor McCheese did not skimp on anything.

Kyashii stared with wide eyes at Bacon's toned and bronzed body. "Shiny..."

Twonk gave her a look of disgust. "You can't steal him. I don't even think you'd want to if you could."

"Please, people," Green begged as others joined Bacon. "We don't have time for any of this."

Man Fujiko stared off with a creepy smile and wondered what kind of shorts Lupin wore to swim in.

Lupin watched him with great uncertainty and sidestepped behind Jigen, using him as a human shied if anything were to happen from whatever thoughts Man Fujiko was thinking.

Nothing did, though, to his relief, Man Fujiko snapping out of his trance and quickly joining the others in the pool.

"So," Jigen said as he leaned against the wall and lit up a cigarette. "Now what?"

Kelly Green gasped in horror and snatched the cigarette from Jigen's lips, quickly stomping out the offensive item.

"What the fuck?" Jigen said angrily.

"Those things will stunt your growth and make your testicles shrink," Green said as he pointed at what was left of the cigarette.

Lupin laughed.

"Shut up," Jigen yelled, not noticing everyone in the large room did as he demanded. "And my balls are not small! They're actually quit large!"

Gay James Bond drew in his breath.

Jigen turned and noticed everyone staring at him. "Damn it..."

...

"Your locker room is down this way," Green said. It had been twenty five minutes since Bacon's dive into the pool. Green let everyone have their fun before demanding everyone leave the pool or have their contracts burned.

Nobody wanted that, so they quickly evacuated the pool.

Green led them into the locker room, which was a level above the pool and a level below the rink.

The players stopped inside the entryway and stared in amazement.

The room was very large and rectangular. On one side were the lockers and simple wooden benches for them to sit on. On the other side were the showers. Tucked into the corner in it's own room was the sauna and hot tubs.

"So," Lupin said with a straight face, "Is this where we'll all be seeing your giant nads?" He looked at Jigen and began to laugh.

Jigen glared off in front of him, inhaling to say something but quickly changing his mind.

Gay James Bond smiled and winked at him.

Jigen gave him an unsure look and stepped away.

"Hey, our names are on here," Bacon said happily, their names carefully etched into the wood placards above each locker.

They were all interested in this, finding their lockers and pulling out the two jerseys that hung inside them.

The jerseys differed in that they were for home games and away games. The jerseys for the home games were mainly black, with red on the shoulders and going down the tops of the arms in a wavy pattern. The away game jerseys were similar in design, except what was black was white and what was red was black. Both had a similar stripe and square pattern on the bottom. Each players jersey had their name and number sewed onto them.

(A/N: This story follows a team I made in NHL 06 and for their jersey I used the Atlanta Thrashers jersey. For the story I changed the jagged pattern to a smooth wave pattern so it wouldn't be a complete rip-off of a jersey from a now defunct team. The jersey is more than what I described it as being, though, so I thought I'd throw this note in.)

The numbers were already picked by each player, given to Mayor McCheese when he called them with the final details.

"Pfft, zero?" Lupin laughed as Goemon held up his jersey, a large '0' sewn onto the back and smaller 0's sewn on the upper sleeves.

"It's a nice round number," Goemon answered. "It has many positive meanings."

"I'm hearing it again, you guys," Zak said as he lowered his number 31 jersey.

Nick and Aaron rolled their eyes.

(A/N: Too many players and I'm not going through all of them in this part so I can tell their jersey numbers. So, I will list the people and their numbers here. Lupin-1; Jigen - 11; Goemon - 0; Zenigata - 39; Man Fujiko - 69; Zak - 31; Nick - 30; Aaron - 49; Twonk - 13; Kyashii - 17; Trevor Belmont - 24; Allen Gore - 28; Carl Gore - 29; Afro Midget - 50; Crispy Bacon - 78; Mamou - 53; Gay James Bond - 8; Kaneto - 21; Rodent Man - 59; Mr. Bean - 65; Italian guy, Peppi Pizza - 14; Japanese guy, Kana Kata - 3; Canadian guy, Adam Dick - 48; French guy, Robert Robet - 9  
Not sure if their numbers will matter much in this story, but there they are. xP)

"Well," Green said as he slapped his hands together. "All of your equipment is there and we have the ice all day. Why don't you suit up and we can take our first skate around."

Green left as the players stared down at their lockers, most having no idea what to do with what they were given.

Bacon looked around and grinned. "I'll help you guys out, since it seems you're all a little lost."

"A little?" Lupin wondered as he held up the shoulder pads.

Kyashii held up the jock strap in her locker and giggled.

Twonk rolled his eyes. "You should probably go out in the hall or something while we get ready," he told her.

She whined and slumped her shoulders forward.

"Hey, it's cool, Kyashii," Bacon smiled. "I'll show your brother how to put his gear on and then he can show you when we're all done in here."

She mumbled in agreement and shuffled out of the locker room.

Bacon showed everyone the different equipment and how to put it on. He got some help from Pizza, Robet, Dick and Kata, the four others who had played the game before.

Everyone got everything on and looked at everyone else, the team an actual team for that one moment as they all shared their good moods with each other.

"Yo, little dude," Bacon said as he looked down at Afro Midget, who wore his specially made equipment.

Afro Midget smiled big and walked out of the room with the others.

Twonk watched them all pass, still waiting for Bacon's help, he and his sister choosing to be the goalies and needing special directions for their stuff.

"So, how fast do these pucks go, exactly," Twonk wondered.

Bacon grinned. "Fast," he answered.

"And this is enough padding to stop them without shattering every bone in my body?"

Bacon laughed. "It's cool, man. You and your sis will be completely safe in this stuff."

Twonk didn't look so sure, trying to get the thoughts out of his mind as he listened to Bacon tell him about the gear.

Finished and with everything on, Twonk left the room and got his sister, talking her through everything and helping her get ready for their first practice.

...

Green sighed as the practice session was, so far, a complete failure. Half the players couldn't skate more than a foot without falling and even less knew what they were doing with a stick and puck.

Kyashii fell on her way to the goal and flailed around on the ice as she tried to get off her back.

Twonk was too slow to stop any pucks, still standing and waiting for the players to shoot them after they already had.

Of the players that could skate, they seemed like they just wanted to have fun, Bacon and Trevor having races across the rink while Mr. Bean and Rodent Man acted as though they were figure skating pairs. Zenigata had fun checking Lupin into the boards over and over again. Goemon chose to sit on the bench and meditate, Kaneto joining him. Allen and Carl argued over whose skating was better. Mamou stood in the corner and stared at everyone in disgust.

"So, this is the..." The man's words trailed off as he walked up to Green and stared in disbelief at the mess before him.

"Welcome to the Sacramento Swamp Rats, Mister Crackery," Green said, extending his hand.

Mister Crackery slowly shook it as his eyes continued to stare at what he was given to work with.

"Everyone," Green hollered. "I need you all to gather around."

The ones who could skate did so up to the bench. The others crawled their way there. Kyashii was drug on her back by Twonk, who found skating to be not all that hard.

"Everyone, this is your new coach, Jim Crackery," Green said as he motioned towards the man.

Jim Crackery was a hard looking man, like a drill sergeant in a nice expensive suit.

The players all said hello in their own special way.

"Well, I think you have everything under control," Green said, nodding to everyone before leaving.

"Right," Crackery said in a deep and authoritative voice. "I want you to get it through your thick disgusting heads that I am your coach, your master," he barked loudly.

Most of the players shrunk back from his tone.

"You will do as I say and you will like it! And if I tell you to run three miles, you will run five! Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir," Zenigata said as he stood at attention.

The others players looked away from their coach and muttered responses.

"Sir?" Crackery yelled. "You will address me as Coach Crackery! Not Coach, or Coach Jim, or Jim, or James, or Mister Crackery, or Mister Jim! It is Coach Crackery! Is that understood?"

"Yes, Coach Crackery," Zenigata said.

Crackery gave them all a hard look as everyone but Zenigata cowered before him. He then cracked a smile he could hold no longer as he began to laugh.

The players looked at each other in confusion.

"I'm just messing with you guys," Crackery laughed. "Although you," he said as he pointed to Zenigata. "I like you. What's your name?"

"Zenigata, Coach Crackery," Zenigata said.

"Eh, you can just call me Coach, Zenigata. So, have you ever played hockey before?"

"No, Coach, I haven't," Zenigata said, being formal and polite.

"You skate well and you show great leadership skills. Congratulations, Zenigata, you just became the team captain."

"Th-thank you, Coach," Zenigata said, embarrassed by the praise and promotion.

"Wait, what?" Lupin whined. "But... but he's..."

"And you are?" Crackery asked.

"How do you not know who I am?" Lupin whined.

Crackery shrugged. "Maybe I do know who you are and just want to hear it from you."

"Oh, well, I'm..." Lupin stood up straight and composed himself to announce his name with flair, but instead he just lost his balance and fell backwards, landing hard on the ice.

The players all stared down at him as he laid there.

"I think my body broke," he whined.

...

The players all introduced themselves to their coach, saying their names and a little about themselves.

Crackery shared his past, a life of hockey and always trying to obtain the Stanley Cup, but never getting close enough to it.

He then got to work, splitting the team into three groups: the ones who could skate, the ones who couldn't and the goalies.

The ones who could skate were then split into those who could handle and shoot the puck and those who couldn't. The ones who could were sent to test the goalies, Twonk and Kyashii each taking turns trying to stop the puck.

The ones who couldn't shoot were put through simple exercises on how to handle the puck, Crackery giving them their instructions and then leaving them as he worked on the group who had trouble skating.

Most in the group got the hang of it after some tips, sent over with the others to practice puck handling.

Once the non-skaters could skate Crackery gave them new instructions, to skate in a line with the puck.

After that they players were all put into one group and they practiced passing to each other while standing and then while skating in a line.

Two hours later they were sent to the locker rooms, everyone exhausted and hurting in places they didn't know could hurt.

Kyashii was once again forced to wait out in the hall.

Some of the players got changed into their regular clothes after their shower and went home, their homes being the suites they had been provided to live in for the season.

Other players showered and then hit the hot tubs, their sore muscles needing a good soak.

"Hey, Waffles," Bacon said as he left the locker room and smiled at Kyashii as she sat in a folding chair.

"Huh?" Kyashii stared at him, her expression one of annoyed confusion.

"Oh, sorry," Bacon laughed. "I tend to give people nicknames and I saw how much you really loved your waffles."

"Oh." She stared down at the floor.

"I... I can not call you that, if you want."

"No, it's okay. I've just... never really had anyone give me a nickname, is all."

"Oh, I thought your brother gave you one."

Kyashii laughed. "He only calls me that because when he was little he couldn't say my name. Ever since then he's just called me Kay."

"Aw, how sweet," Bacon said as he smiled.

Kyashii looked up at him and blushed slightly, looking down in embarrassment. "Y-yeah," she mumbled.

Bacon smiled. "Oh, but hey, the lockers are clear for you. Some of the guys are still in the hot tubs, but I told them to give you forty minutes to shower and dress before they leave. Unless you want in the hot tubs. Then I can just go in and kick them all out."

"No, no, that's fine. Thanks." She looked up at him and smiled.

"No prob, man. Hey, you coming with us to dinner?"

"Yeah, sure," she shrugged.

"Awesome. See you there, Waffles."

Kyashii smiled at him as he left and then stood and walked into the locker room.

She got all of her equipment off and got undressed, stepping into the hot shower and staying in for as long as she could handle it. Wrapping a towel around her, she walked back to her locker and got dressed, deciding to sit on her bench and wait for her brother.

In the room with the hot tubs were Lupin, Jigen, Goemon, Trevor, Twonk and Allen, Allen sitting alone in one of the hot tubs while the others all shared the same one, the hot tubs large and able to fit up to twelve people.

"So, Twonk," Lupin said. "Is Twonk your real name?"

Trevor laughed. "I bloody hope not..."

Twonk shook his head. "It's Graham. Why?"

"Just wondering," Lupin shrugged.

"How'd you get stuck with such an awful nickname?" Trevor wondered.

"My uncle gave it to me when I was a kid. He said I was dumb and slow in school and that I was a twonk. For some reason it stuck."

"What's a twonk?" Jigen asked.

"An idiot," Twonk said.

"So, your uncle was British?" Trevor asked.

Twonk nodded. "My dad was and he was his brother who took care of me and my family when my dad died."

"Oh, sorry to hear that," Trevor said.

"Okay, now that that's out of the way," Lupin said. "Your sister, is she seeing anyone?"

"My god," Jigen groaned.

"What?" Lupin wondered as he glared at him. "It's just a question."

"She's seeing somebody, yeah," Twonk said, giving Lupin a hard look.

"Okay, just making sure," Lupin smiled.

Goemon grabbed a towel behind him and stood, wrapping the towel around his waist.

"Where ya going?" Lupin wondered.

"To my locker, to change."

"Has it been forty minutes?"

"It's been fifty."

"Really?" Lupin looked back at the clock.

Kyashii looked up as Goemon stepped into the room.

Goemon was a few steps from his locker when he saw her, stopping and staring at her, quickly getting embarrassed. "S-sorry," he said as he looked down, turning his back to her.

Kyashii shrugged. "It's not like I'm naked or anything."

"Okay." Goemon continued to stand facing away from her.

"I was just leaving," she muttered as she stood.

"You wait for brother?" Goemon asked.

"Yeah," she sighed. "I'll just wait for him out in the hall."

He turned and watched as she walked out.


	5. Chapter Four

I want to see two people in a very serious and deep discussion about Mayor McCheese. That would make me smile.

* * *

**Chapter Four - Before the Big Game**

Practice had continued the same way the rest of the week. Five hours of tomfoolery, shenanigans, utter chaos and the complete lack of wanting to learn anything new.

Crackery was close to walking out, ending his deal, putting up with whatever legal punishment Mayor McCheese would bring upon him.

It was the dream, though, that kept him from completely losing it.

And the players were getting a little better.

Or possibly even worse.

Crackery couldn't tell anymore.

Every day, after their practice and their time in class, forced to read stuff and watch old game footage, Crackery always told to his team, "Go forth, my team, and become the dream!"

The players had no idea why he said it or what it even meant, but every so often they would spot the tears forming in the corners of their coach's eyes.

Those tears touched the players. That salty wetness was what kept them going, kept them trying the best they could, to never give up.

And yet, nobody really knew why those tears mattered, nobody really touched emotionally by them.

In truth, they thought it was kind of creepy.

"Words not even..." Peppi searched for what he wanted to say, the Italian man with the thick eyebrows and five o'clock shadow staring off into space.

Most of the players ignored him, the group walking into the expensive hotel they lived in.

"Like-uh, not even rigatoni!" Peppi said, proud of himself for conveying his thoughts.

Mister Bean nodded, stopping quickly and scrunching his face up, completely baffled by what was said.

"I get it, man," Bacon smiled. "It's deep, ya know? Like, he's talking about his dreams. Like, when he was younger and played. And now, he's passing those dreams he couldn't fulfill to us."

Mamou was not amused. "His dreams which he failed to live, you mean those dreams? The dreams of a failure?"

Bacon's smile faded.

"If anyone should understand failed dreams, it's you, Mamou," Lupin smirked.

"The man has no pride," Kana said in Japanese.

Goemon nodded in agreement.

The seriousness of the Japanese words seemed to kill the conversation, everyone quiet as they waited for the elevator.

The group too large to go all at once, they split off into groups, everyone reaching their rooms at different times.

Most of the players changed into more formal clothes and headed out for the night, either going to dinner with friends, going on dates or going to various clubs.

"So, where do you want to go," Twonk asked his sister as she sat on her bed and hugged her pillow.

She stared at the bed in sadness and shrugged.

"What's wrong with you," Twonk said with a laugh, playfully shoving her over on the bed. "Come on, the guys are waiting for us."

"You can go," she said as she curled up into a ball.

"Are you two ready," Trevor asked as he popped his head into the room.

"You guys go ahead," Twonk told him. "We'll catch up with you later."

Trevor gave a look of slight concern as he stared at Kyashii. He then looked at Twonk and left.

"I shouldn't have come," Kyashii moped.

"Aw, come on, Kay. This is fun."

"Fun for you, maybe." She pouted and sat up, continuing to hug her pillow.

"I thought you were enjoying all of this."

Kyashii shrugged. "I pretend to, mostly."

Twonk smiled and plopped onto his back on the bed.

Kyashii looked back at him and sighed. "I just feel out of place. I can't even dress in the same room with you guys. I hate sitting out in the hall."

"Mayor McCheese said you'd have your own room, soon."

"And what about when we travel," Kyashii said in a raised voice. "I'll still be stuck in the hall."

"Well, it'd just be wrong if you were there with us, changing and everything."

"But, I've been naked around you before,"

"We were little kids..."

"And I've been naked around Snidne and he doesn't care."

"Oh my god, Kay, just stop, please," Twonk begged, now unable to get the visual out of his head.

"So, why would it be weird now?"

"Maybe you wouldn't care changing and showering around the others, but I'm sure most of them would care."

"But why?" she whined. "Guys like naked women, don't they?"

Twonk rolled his eyes. "Yeah, to screw. Seeing a teammate who they see as a friend naked... that's just really uncomfortable to even think about."

Kyashii's head fell forward as she let out a loud sigh.

Twonk looked over at her and grinned. "If you want, I can stay out in the hall with you."

"Really?" she gasped.

He shrugged. "Sure. I'm not showering with you, though."

"Aww," she said, disappointed.

...

Practice continued for the rest of that week, the players getting less and less tired by the end of it, the hours in the gym helping build up their muscles.

After the players had left the locker room and while some were still soaking in the hot tub, Twonk joined his sister in the locker room to change.

While she opted for the shower, he passed, making sure to keep his back turned to her. He suffered being stinky, but it wouldn't be long until she'd have her own dressing room.

"Team," Crackery said, gathering the players around on their last day of practice before the preseason was to start. "Today we will have a competitive little game. Just twenty minutes, using everything you know. Play to your potential. Do your best. This game will help me choose the right players."

The players nodded and were broken into teams.

There was no face-off and no referee. When Crackery blew the whistle play started.

He watched closely from the bench as the players handled the puck. He gasped at the dekes, felt every check and celebrated every goal.

At the end of twenty minutes he blew his whistle and the players skated towards the bench, most of them breathing heavily.

"That was a good game. I'm impressed."

"So, coach, you think we're ready?" Bacon asked excitedly, glad to be back playing the game.

Crackery nodded.

The players were proud of themselves.

"Tomorrow we play our first preseason game." Crackery stared with much seriousness at his players. "We play the San Jose Sharks. They are a very tough team and like to score. Graham, you'll be starting."

The players all congratulated him.

"Zak and Goemon, I like the way you guys play. You'll be the two alternates. Keep it up and you'll keep that title throughout the season."

Zak and Goemon were congratulated. Zak was excited about this. Goemon just smiled and kept his mouth shut. He didn't want Zak to act like an idiot in front of the whole team and the coach.

Well, more of an idiot.

"Go, shower and change," Crackery told the players. "The plane leaves tonight and I want none of you to miss it."

The players left the ice and headed back to the locker room.

...

"Have fun," Crackery had told his team before their game with the Sharks. "Remember, these games are just for conditioning. Try to connect with your teammates on the ice with you. Don't worry about the score or winning. This will be just an advanced form of practice."

"So, then what do I do?" Twonk wondered.

"You, you have to play the best you can. You can't afford to have fun."

Twonk rolled his eyes as the other laughed at him.

"Any more questions," Crackery asked.

There were none, so he and the players headed towards the rink.

By the end of the game they were all battered and tired. And even though they lost eleven to one, they all had fun. Even Twonk, who actually let in some goals, not even wanting to try at some points.

Crackery didn't care, though. He saw his advice wasn't quite the best for his goalie, the defense not giving much effort to stop the other team.

And even when the other fans and the press laughed at them, they just shrugged it all off.

Three days later they were off to Dallas for their next game.

They lost six to nothing.

To them that was a great game, as they kept the other teams score below ten.

Their next two games were at home, playing before a sold out crowd.

Their first, against the New York Rangers, was lost nine to one.

They lost the second and final preseason game ten to one to the Ottawa Senators.

Kyashii had been put in goal for that game and, seeing and hearing the fans, she knew that she belonged there.

...

"First game tomorrow night," Trevor said happily, his words followed by yells of "yeah" and "whoo" by a few of the players.

They had all convened to the locker room, there to pack up their gear for the nights flight to Chicago.

Lupin, Jigen and Goemon had lockers next to each other, the three pausing as they became involved in some stupid conversation about odd ice cream flavors.

Zenigata had a locker away from them. He was busy meticulously gathering his things while telling Man Fujiko some random story about Lupin.

Man Fujiko sat down and scribbled down some notes quickly in his binder of secret things.

Bacon sat next to Afro Midget, Bacon doing all the talking, often pausing as he and Midget laughed at what he said.

Mamou glared at Rodent and Kaneto as the two glared at each other. Oh how he hated them. His eyes then glanced over at Mister Bean, who had somehow gotten one of his skates caught in the metal hanger he used for his jacket.

He watched for a few seconds, Mister Bean pulling and prying and scowling at the two objects, muttering unkind words under his breath as the two objects did not wish to be apart.

Odd emotions hit his shriveled heart and he stood, grabbing the skate and hanger from Mister Bean's hands and easily wrenching them apart, handing the individual items back to the man.

Mister Bean stared in amazement, mouthing "thank you" and nodding as Mamou walked off.

"Spinach souffle," Lupin said.

"Shut up," Jigen answered in annoyance.

"What," Lupin whined, his sure smile fading.

"You just made that up. There's no such thing as spinach souffle ice cream."

"Oh, and moose kidney ice cream is real?"

"My uncle makes it," Jigen answered with a serious face, as if everyone knew such flavor existed.

Goemon knew he had the winner with squid brain and octopus heart ice cream, but the last time he said a flavor everyone had to listen to Zak freaking out over ghosts.

He eyed Zak, who sat with Nick and Aaron as a camera crew was filming the three talking about their hockey experience so far.

Zak tried to talk and joke around with some of the others, but they only eyed him in annoyance and ignored him, finishing up and leaving.

Zak just laughed at this and continued on about the arena being haunted and wanting to find out who the ghost is and why they are there.

Nick and Aaron just went along with it.

The camera crew finished up, getting what they needed to finish up the segment. They said their goodbyes and told the three they'd see them in Chicago.

...

The team walked to their own private terminal to get on their own private jet.

Their mode of transportation was just like any large commercial plane, but it was modified to be more luxurious.

Mayor McCheese often used it for his company meetings or when he had to fly in large groups of investors.

Now it was specifically meant for his new team.

They all piled in, men taking their luggage and putting it is the luggage compartment for them.

"Wow, look at this place," Carl said.

"This aisle is wider than my flat," Trevor said, once again sad at his predicament in life, but then happy again as he knew he'd soon be able to afford a larger place.

Conversation soon filled the plane, the talking continuing over the pilot as he announced that they would be leaving soon.

Mamou eyed Mister Bean as he struggled, somehow getting one end of the seat belt caught in his shoelace.

Mamou sighed and once again got up and helped him get out of the mess.

Mister Bean watched carefully as Mamou ripped the shoelace from the seatbelt clasp. He opened his eyes big and smiled, giving Mamou a thumbs up as he uttered odd sounds of approval.

Mamou stared at Mister Bean before returning to his seat.

Hours had passed, the pilot announcing that they'd be in Chicago in less than an hour.

By that time most of the players were fast asleep, catching up on it as exhaustion took over.

The large television on the wall between their section and the cockpit had been on for most of the flight. The majority of the players still awake ignored it, the sound on it off, but some sat staring blankly at it.

"Hey, they're talking about us," Bacon said as he motioned towards the TV. "Turn it up."

Trevor was the closest to the remote and did so, the TV having been on ESPN for the whole flight.

"... wish him good luck with this bunch," one of the men, a thin balding man named Eric said as he looked to the man sitting next to him.

"A lot of luck," the man laughed. His name was Brent and he was of normal weight and had a full head of thick hair and thick mustache.

"To start with," Eric said, the camera pulling over as a picture of Zenigata showed on his right, "their captain is a washed up policeman."

"Hey," Lupin said as he glared at the screen. He was kind of glad Zenigata was asleep and didn't have to hear that.

The picture of Zenigata was replaced with two smaller pictures, one of Zak and one of Goemon.

"And their alternates," Eric continued, "are a criminal and some guy who chases ghosts."

"A criminal who their captain failed to arrest," Brent laughed.

"Yeah, I wonder how they're gonna get along," Eric laughed.

"And compared to even the worst team in the league, their numbers are embarrassing," Brent said, as if he were insulted by this.

"We haven't even played a real game, yet," Nick yelled at the screen.

Eric laughed. "Their winless pre-season record was enough to show the world what a mockery this team is to the league."

"Yeah, that ten to one loss they suffered last week, I didn't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for them," Brent laughed.

Allen wrote their names down in his "To Destroy" list.

Mamou made a mental note to erase them from existence.

"And their goalies," Eric scoffed. "I'm not questioning the owners judgement, but what was he thinking?"

Footage of Twonk and Kyashii struggling to stop simple shots during their pre-season games was shown as the men talked.

"A blind man could have stopped some of those shots," Brent said.

"A dead man could have stopped them," Eric chuckled.

Footage of the various players playing poorly was shown.

"This team of thieves, failures, freaks and paranormal investigators has no place in the league and I'm ashamed of the commissioner for even allowing this travesty to take place," Brent said in anger.

The screen went back to showing the two men, neither happy looking.

"For more on this embarrassment, we go to Jill in Chicago, Steve in Sacramento and Gill in New York," Eric said. "Let's start with Steve first. Steve?"

"Hey, Eric and Brent," Steve said as he stood outside of the box office at the The Stadium in Sacramento. "I'm here outside of The Stadium and as you can see we have a lot of new fans lining up to purchase tickets for their first home game next week, where the Swamp Rats will take on the Edmonton Oilers."

He looked back at the line of people, who all cheered as they showed their Swamp Rats jerseys, shirts and hats with pride.

"Hey, Steve?" Brent said. "What are the peoples opinions of this team? Of the players? Did you find anyone upset over the make up of this team?"

"Well, earlier, I talked to a group of unhappy Sharks fans," Steve laughed. "It seems with the new season upon us, there's already a rivalry brewing up between these two teams."

"The Sharks suck," a fan yelled, the people around him yelling and clapping.

Steve looked back and laughed. "As for the players, Brent, a lot of the fans are supportive of them, thinking this will bring something new to the game."

"Those guys," Bacon said as he pointed to the crowd. "Those are the people we're playing for. They're the ones who matter, guys. Not these other jerks."

"Yeah," Trevor agreed. "Those others can fuck off."

The players agreed and spoke amongst themselves while Eric and Brent talked. When it got to Jill and what she had to say, they all went back to paying attention.

She looked over her shoulder and laughed as the fans gathered behind her screamed and yelled in support of the Blackhawks.

"Yes, Eric, I'm having a hard time hearing you with all this noise," she said as she held her hand to her earpiece. "I couldn't hear your question, but let me just say that these fans are ready for the season to start."

She laughed again as the crowd shouted loudly again, a chant of "Blackhawks!" beginning.

Unhappy they were unable to get others to share their opinion, Brent and Eric cut her off and began putting the Swamp Rats down once again.

"I wonder if I could get an interview with her," Lupin grinned stupidly.

Jigen rolled his eyes.

"Let's see what this douche has to say," Twonk muttered as Gill came on the screen.

"... hung around outside the stadium after the Rangers first game, which ended in an embarrassing loss, and talked to some of the fans leaving to get their opinion. This is what they had to say."

"Pathetic," a man scowled as he continued walking.

"It's sad that, like, someone has to, like, do that stuff for, like, you know, attention," a teenage girl wearing a Rangers cap said.

"I need to know who she is," Mamou growled, the girl now second to Lupin on his list of people to kill.

"The who?" another fan asked with a laugh.

"Go Rangers," a group of young women shouted.

"If they don't quit after their first game I'll be shocked," a young man in a Rangers jersey said.

"You guys had enough of this?" Trevor asked, the players saying they did and Trevor turning the TV off.

"I don't think we have anything to worry about," Lupin said as he leaned back and crossed his arms behind his head. "Coach Crackery seems to know what he's doing. And since we treated all the pre-season games like practice games, everyone is underestimating us, just like he said they would."

"And when we really start to play, we'll kill the competition," Bacon smirked.

"Exactly," Lupin smiled.

* * *

So I don't keep on using the characters I'm most familiar with, I am going to assign them all numbers and then use a random number picker to decide who will be in each chapter. Some of these characters I forget are even in this thing. xP

I'm also thinking of doing the same thing with the tone of each chapter, whether it be serious or funny or whatever.

What happened in each game will be in the chapters, which will include characters not picked with the numbers, but the ones chosen will have large roles beyond all the game stuff, like pre and post game interviews, stuff that happens during practice, after the games, on days off and so on.

Hopefully that way I, and the readers, won't get too bored with this. xD


	6. Chapter Five

These games all follow the games (the scores and who scored and injuries and such) as they went in the season I played. And even though I made the game harder and shortened the periods, the scores still came out high. I guess that'll just show how awful the league has become or something. Or does the NHL have high scores now? Can't remember if the lame new rules were supposed to make the scores bigger or smaller.

Also, I had forgotten all about the Roller Hockey International and that Sacramento had a team called the River Rats. Maybe that's why I sometimes write them as that name and then have to correct it. But, as a teenager I'd watch the games on TV and dream of playing in the league. And then high school, moving and work made me forget all about it. Sad it didn't last. The high scores and fast paced games were awesome.

* * *

**Chapter Five - Game One  
**

The players stepped off the plane, wincing from the sunlight as they walked down the steps and into the terminal.

Inside a small group of fans came to greet them. The players spent time posing for pictures and signing autographs. They chatted with the fans for as long as they were permitted, which wasn't as long as some wanted.

"Six phone numbers," Zak bragged as the group walked out to the cars that were there to pick them up.

"Bloody hell," Trevor sighed. "I only got me four."

"Same as me," Lupin sighed, wondering if he lost some of his mojo.

Afro Midget smiled and held up a stack of scraps of paper, each with a number on it. In all there were fifteen numbers he had obtained.

"Shoot me," Lupin mumbled as he walked off, now hating the world even more.

They got in the vehicles and made their way to the stadium, the cars parking underneath in the special garage reserved for the players.

From there it was a short walk to the lockers.

"Wow, look at this place," Twonk said as he stood in the stands and looked down at the ice.

"Man, this is like the glistening honey dripping ever so slightly from a honey comb," Bacon said.

The Gore brothers stared at him. They had their differences, but they both had in common their dislike for this man and his awful poetry, if you could call it that.

"Our firtht game," Gay James Bond said, staring down at the ice, determination in his eyes. "Think we'll win?"

"Of course we'll win, man," Bacon said. "We're like a speeding train and the Blackhawks are like a pebble on the rails."

Allen Gore's grip on the rails in front of him tightened.

Carl backed away, not wanting to be in the blast zone.

"You're thtarting," Bond said as he poked Twonk's arm. "Tho you better do a good job."

Twonk wiped Bond's spit off his face and smirked. "Or what? You'll give me another shower?"

Gentlemen," Coach Crackery said as he stood behind them. "We need you in the locker room."

The players nodded and headed off, their coach looking down at the rink before following them.

...

The players all got ready, dressing up and sitting listening to their coaches giving them their last run downs of the plays before the game started.

A man, the assistant coach, whose name was Chip, entered the room and whispered something to Crackery.

Crackery didn't look too happy, but sighed and went along with what he was told.

"Alright, team," he said. "The local station airing the game wants an interview with one of you."

"Who?" Nick wondered.

"They weren't specific," Crackery shrugged. "So, I say we draw straws, rather than have a battle over this waste of time."

They agreed to that method and drew the straws Crackery held. Six players drew straws until one had picked the short one.

Kana stared down at the short straw, not understanding and asking about it in Japanese. "What does this mean?" he asked.

"It means you get to do the interview," Goemon answered in Japanese.

"Guys, I totally got it," Zak said excitedly as he held up the recorder he had started when they got inside the locker.

Goemon frowned.

Nick and Aaron went back to ignoring Zak.

"I wonder what it said," Zak remarked as he stared down at the recorder.

"Interview?" Kana questioned. "What do I talk about?"

Some of the players thought the pick funny and wondered how well it would go, Kana not even knowing one word of English.

"Let's not tell the translator about this," Lupin said in English as he laughed.

"That's cold, man," Nick said, but laughing as well.

"Dude, this'll be funny as hell," Aaron said.

"Will we be able to watch this," Man Fujiko wondered, also finding this funny, even though his English wasn't all that great, but good enough to get by on.

"Gentlemen," Crackery said, giving them a serious look, but then grinning. "Of course we'll be able to watch."

They all cheered and then wished Kana good luck as he walked off, Chip showing him where to go.

...

"We are here with Mister Kana Kata, one of the forwards for the Sacramento Swamp Rats," the man giving the interview said. "Welcome, Mister Kata."

Kana bowed his head and greeted the man in Japanese.

"Um, yes, well, you're playing in your first game of the season. You were one of the top players of team Japan in the last olympics. How is this different than that?"

Kana stared at the man with a blank stare. He nodded and said nothing.

"Olympics? You know, like... rings..." The man tried to make the olympic rings with his fingers, but was a few fingers short. He then looked for some paper, grabbing it and drawing the rings. "Olympics."

"Ah," Kana said, nodding. "Yes, the olympics," he said in Japanese.

The man nodded slowly, unsure of what he was just told. "And the NHL..." He wrote out the letters NHL on the paper, showing it to Kana and then pointing at them and the rings. "Are they... are they equal... or...?" He wrote an equal sign between the two.

Kana shook his head "no".

"Is it big-bigger?" the man asked, making a large circle with his arms. "Or smaller?" He made a small circle with his fingers.

Kana stared at the man in confusion. He then made a small circle with his fingers, not knowing what else to do. "Your brain is like this small," he said in Japanese. "But you think it is like this," he said as he made the large circle.

"Okay," the man smiled. "That's great, that's great. Well, I'll let you get back to your team. And good luck out there."

Kana nodded. "You are a stupid man. Your face looks like it was ingested by a squid."

The man smiled and nodded, watching as Kana walked off.

...

"What'd he say?" Nick wondered as some in the locker room were laughing.

"That he was stupid and ugly," Lupin said while laughing.

"What?" Twonk wondered. "What'd you tell him to say before he left?" he asked as he looked at Goemon.

"He didn't tell him anything," Lupin laughed.

Zenigata rolled his eyes. He had never played hockey before, but like with every job he was given, he took it seriously and had no time for immature dribble.

Kana walked back into the room and was given congratulations and applause.

Crackery got everyone's attention and got them back on track. "This is an important game. It could set the tone for what to expect out of you guys for the rest of the season. Play with everything you have and don't get discouraged. Don't let them push you into making stupid plays. Keep cool heads out there."

"Yes, coach," most of them yelled.

"Let's go out there and show them what we're made of," Crackery yelled.

The players yelled and got pumped up, standing and leaving the room and heading towards the stadium, which was starting to fill up.

Seeing all the people made some of the players freeze, unsure if they could play with so many people watching them.

Some quick psycho-babble from the other players and Crackery got them a little loosened up, enough for them to continue walking, albeit a little slower than usual.

Crackery stood at the back and said some words of encouragement to his players as they walked by. When they and the rest of the staff walked by he followed, heading towards the bench.

As the players took to the ice and skated around Crackery stood and talked with Chip, ironing out some last little details before the two got to the bench.

"Coach Crackery," Jill, who had just finished talking to a Blackhawks player, said as she caught his attention.

He smiled, finishing talking to Chip and walking towards her.

"Coach Crackery, there's been a lot of questions about your players. What do you have to say to the doubters?"

Crackery grinned. "Well, I'd have to say don't judge something before you've seen it in action."

"But, Coach, your team didn't win one game during the pre-season and only scored a total of three goals, compared to the thirty six that were scored against them. What do you have to say about that?"

"I'd say they were just pre-season games. In my experience, those games are just conditioning games."

"How will things be different tonight?"

Crackery shrugged. "I guess we'll see that when the game starts."

"Thank you, Coach," Jill said as Crackery smiled and started to walk to the bench for the start of the game.

He gathered the players up and gave them one last pep talk before the starting line took to the ice, the others taking a seat on the bench.

The National Anthem was played and in a loud booming voice the announcer signaled the start of the game.

The fans cheered as the centers faced off and the referee dropped the puck. Lupin lost to the Blackhawks player before he was quickly knocked to the ice. The player who hit him, a much larger man, stood over him, glaring as if giving him some sort of silent warning.

Lupin smirked and got up, skating off to join in on the action.

A little over five minutes in, Chicago scored the first goal, a quick shot that blurred past Twonk, who didn't even see it.

Twonk was disappointed by this, but his teammates on the ice got him back into the game.

Lupin won the following face-off, passing the puck back to Zenigata, who skated to his right, away from the Chicago players rushing him, and passed it to an open Lupin.

Lupin skated down the center of the rink and circled around to his right, ducking from a player wanting to check him, the player slamming hard into the boards. Lupin shot the puck towards the goal, Goemon tipping it with the blade of his stick and the puck sailing over the left shoulder of the Chicago goalie, the game tied, Chicago's lead lasting less than a minute.

The Chicago fans booed loudly as the players celebrated their first goal of the season.

The fans were then stunned into silence as Lupin scored off a pass from Goemon seven minutes later, Sacramento going up by one.

Chicago answered back with two quick goals at the end of the period, leading by a score of 3-2 as both teams made their way into their locker rooms.

...

"You guys are doing great out there," Crackery said to his exhausted players, some with ice packs on various parts of their bodies.

"Can we go home now," Lupin whined as he held some ice to his knee.

Crackery laughed. "Of course we can't. There's still forty minutes left to play."

Some of the players groaned at this, hockey more tiring than they had thought it'd be.

"Come on, team," Crackery said. "We can win this! Just keep up what you've been doing out there!"

The players groaned again, forcing themselves to listen to some techniques Crackery wanted to try.

When the intermission was over they pulled themselves to their feet and dragged themselves back to the bench.

The Blackhawk players laughed and smirked at them, some taunting them and calling them old ladies and such.

This inspired some players to try harder to win, but for most of the team they didn't really care, too tired to think about it.

The second period started and Lupin lost the opening face-off again.

The Blackhawks skated down into the Sacramento zone and after some quick passes they got a shot easily past Twonk.

Cheers filled the arena. Thirty eight seconds into the second their team was up by a score of 4 to 2.

"Pack it in, ladies," the player who scored said as he skated by some of the Sacramento players.

Twonk skated forward and held back Zenigata, who wanted to kill the guy.

"If only I had my gun," he muttered.

"Don't let them get to you," Twonk said as he let Zenigata go. "Just hit them a little harder than you normally would."

"That I can do," Zenigata said as he glared at the celebrating players.

The game continued on like usual. Hard hits, quick shots and some really nice saves by both goalies.

Chicago began to get annoyed, their tactics not working against the new team. This annoyance led to a penalty when one of their players tripped up Jigen as he skated by with the puck.

The fans booed as the penalty was called, the player yelling at the ref before he reluctantly skated towards the penalty box.

Sacramento got some good shots off, but nothing got by the goalie.

Chicago got some shorthanded chances as well, but Twonk was there to stop the easy shots.

One of those shots went back to a Chicago player, but the man was hit hard by Zenigata and knocked down.

Rodent Man skated to the puck and passed it to an open Kaneto, who skated by two players before deking and flipping the puck up over the goalies left shoulder.

Kaneto celebrated, the other players swarming around him, amazed by what he had just done.

Crackery clapped as the players on the bench cheered and hit their sticks on the boards.

The Chicago player skated angrily out of the box.

With seven minutes gone by the Swamp Rats had closed in within one, making the score 4 to 3.

Kaneto won the following face-off, passing it back to Bacon.

Bacon skated ahead and passed the puck across the rink to Zak.

Zak skated to the corner and passed it to Man Fujiko, who one-timed it and scored a quick goal.

Thirty five seconds after their power play goal they had tied the game at 4.

The team celebrated on the bench and on the ice, acting as if they had just gone all the way and won everything.

This angered the Chicago players and the fans, feeling they were making a mockery of their team.

"Midget," Crackery called, Afro Midget glancing towards him curiously. "Get out there," Crackery smiled, feeling it time to test out the tiny player.

Afro Midget smiled his biggest smile yet and hopped off the bench, opening the door and skating out.

The Blackhawks players only stared at him before they started to laugh.

The crowd was soon erupting into laughter, as well.

Afro Midget's smile faded into a frown.

"Little dude!" Bacon skated up to him, the two bumping fists. "You ready for this?"

Afro Midget smiled and nodded.

Everyone gathered at center ice for the face-off, the Chicago players trying hard not to laugh as Afro Midget prepared for the puck to drop.

Unable to concentrate, the Chicago player lost to Afro Midget, who grabbed the puck and skated with it underneath the players legs.

The Chicago defensemen skated up fast to check him, but only checked air as they fell to the ice.

Afro Midget shot the puck, which was gloved by the Chicago goalie, the goalie hanging on and the whistle blowing.

The lines were changed, Crackery smirking as Afro Midget skated back to the bench. "I think we've found our secret weapon," he whispered to Chip, Chip nodding in agreement.

The game continued, Sacramento getting more tired with every passing second. This exhaustion caused Lupin to trip a Chicago player as he skated by him, too tired to bother chasing after the faster man.

The ref blew his whistle and sent Lupin to the penalty box.

The other players were not happy.

They played with what little energy they had, Twonk having to stop some quick shots. One of those shots came back to a Chicago player, who passed it back to one of the defensemen.

Seeing an opening, Jigen stole the puck from the player and skated down the ice, scoring an easy goal on a breakaway.

Sacramento going up by a goal while down a player lifted the players spirits, giving them a little more energy, which they used to keep Chicago goalless for the rest of the period.

After a short rest and a pep talk nobody heard, the players returned to the ice.

Chicago, re-energized after returning from the locker room, came out strong, scoring two quick goals and taking the lead 6-5.

Five minutes into the period Goemon scored off a nice pass from Lupin.

Forty seconds later Nick scored the go ahead goal, Afro Midget and Twonk getting the assists.

Losing the lead so quickly made the Chicago players angry, causing them to make simple mistakes and not play to the best of their ability.

Because of this, Chicago was unable to score another goal, their defense faltering as Lupin scored off a rebound of Goemon's shot. Four minutes later Goemon scored another goal, Jigen passing the puck to Lupin, who passed it to an open Goemon.

The buzzer sounded, boos filling the arena as Sacramento celebrated their first win, defeating Chicago with a score of 9-6.

The Sacramento locker room was loud and celebratory, Crackery bringing out the champagne and everyone dousing themselves with it and taking turns drinking from the bottles.

Nick, being the one who scored the go ahead goal that caused the other team to fumble, was told by the others that they were taking him out for food and drinks later that night.

Nick was happy about this, giving a thumbs up to the camera crew that was filming them during their celebration.

Chip walked up to Crackery and whispered something to him, Crackery nodding and approaching Lupin and Goemon, whispering to them that they were wanted for an interview.

"I wonder if it's with Jill," Lupin wondered with a stupid laugh.

Goemon glanced at him, not amused by his idiocy.

...

Much to Lupin's disappointment, their interview was done by a man. A man named Kenny.

Goemon sat in silence during the whole interview, staring blankly at Kenny and at the camera.

He did not want to be there and it showed.

Kenny eventually ignored Goemon and acted as though the man was not even there.

Lupin didn't answer one question Kenny asked, deciding instead to blabber on about food and talking to the "cute girls" who were watching.

Kenny didn't mind, laughing at Lupin's poor jokes and giving him recommendations on restaurants and diners in the area.

When their time was up Kenny sadly stated so, having had fun with his "interview" and wishing the two players well in future games.

Lupin and Goemon got up and left, Lupin happy about trying new places to eat, Goemon trying not to scream and punch the annoying thief in the face.

* * *

This chapter ended up long and boring thanks to me not knowing when to stop typing and ending up going way too much into the game. Will not happen for future chapters. The end, non-hockey stuff was short and lacking because with all the hockey stuff I kind of burnt out on this story, boring even myself. And I like hockey. xD

I want to get more into the drama between the players and not about the game. And since the scores are so high it'll get boring really fast going into all of that, so I will just do a short summary of what happened for the games and then go into stuff that happens after games, before games and on days off.


End file.
